I want to marry Donald Miller

Posted on May 19, 2011


Hello reader,

This is a tale written by one of my dear friends who allowed me to post this only if her identity was kept secret. I would like to take this opportunity to point out (on the off chance that Donald Miller is newly single and/or Men Of Awesomeness happen upon this post) that she is an exceptionally attractive, gifted and intelligent woman – and has a very fine jump shot.

Yours for anonymity,

LK x


I HAVE a problem where I develop crushes on people very easily, very quickly and very deeply it seems. But they don’t always last. What’s more, I can have multiple crushes at one time. Call me fickle, but it’s just how I’m wired. So you can understand that choosing just one person to stick with is a rather daunting and risky choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about monogamy. I love the idea of sharing my life with just one person. Selecting that person out of all the possibilities that exist is the hard part.

I decided I wanted to marry Donald Miller when I read his book Blue Like Jazz. I loved everything he wrote in this novel, but it was his thoughts on dating that really won me. He said the only two things he knew about dating were that you don’t say mean things to the girl, and you don’t eat spaghetti on a date. Good rules.

How do I tell her I'm seeing someone?

Don also made funny comments on church, explaining how he managed to attend church “without getting angry”. This resonated with me, as I also sometimes struggle with going to church and not getting angry. He also wrote a whole chapter on being alone, which made me laugh because he reminded me so much of my reclusive artist sister. I also knew that I liked people like this because I was the opposite. I knew we would be a good balance for each other, Don and I. I liked his style – especially how he sat around in his underwear until noon.  But the part that made me really fall in love with Don, was when he described the “mystical wonder” of worship – one of my favourite things in life.

Don and I, well, we had a connection. He might not have known about it yet, but it was definitely real. He just understood me. I could tell by the way he wrote. It’s as though he just got where I was at, and put it into words, far better than I could ever articulate it.

Certain I wanted to marry him (after Googling him to look at a photo of course), I then had to figure out a plan to a) meet him, and b) convince him he wanted to marry me. So I thought I’d write him a letter. My letter would have to be funny; displaying both my wit and intellect, as I was certain Don received hundreds of letters from adoring female fans each year. I also suspected I wouldn’t be the first to offer my hand in marriage. My letter had to be the best.

Don lives in Portland, Oregon, which – from all I’ve read and heard – is a cool city. It is home to my favourite NBA team (the mighty Blazers), and is also the heart of an incredible folk/alternative/indie music culture. Artists like Elliott Smith, Esperanza Spalding, M. Ward and The Decemberists and Laura Gibson all hail from this north-west American city. It also sounded like a place where lots of hipsters and creative types hung out in coffee shops and bars and wrote books and made music. This seemed appealing to me. I liked cool places with cool people who sit around doing cool things. I felt like Don and I could make a great home there, doing cool things and being relevant together.

I imagined that if we met at a party and got chatting, there would be more sparks than Bear Grylls could conjure with a piece of wool and a buffalo hoof. I had to meet him. But composing a letter to Don which truly expressed my deepest sentiments seemed like a difficult task. Add to that the fact I was a bit of a failure when it came to romance, and my hopes quickly began to fade.

YOU’VE HEARD the expression “unlucky in love”. I’m pretty sure that’s me. I’m not sure why but I can’t seem to find a relationship that works. It generally works one of the following ways:

  • The guy I like doesn’t fancy me
  • The guy that likes me, I don’t fancy
  • I meet someone I fancy, then find out he has a girlfriend
  • I meet someone I fancy, then find out he has a boyfriend
  • I meet someone I click with, who fancies me, but it’s a girl
  • I meet someone I like, who likes me back, but turns out they’re emotionally retarded
  • I meet someone I like, who likes me back, but I realise we aren’t compatible

Don strikes me as the kind of guy who has also been unlucky in love (except that he now has a girlfriend which kinda messes with my theory, but whatever). That’s why I think we’d be a good match. We could really relate to each other. I’m hoping that with Don, my luck will change.

I wouldn’t say I’m a romantic, but I do like the idea of writing a letter to a man I’ve never met, then flying halfway across the globe to meet him and then fall in love. That would be a splendid story to tell the grandchildren.

Maybe I am a romantic after all.

Editors note:  If you would like to get in contact with the author of this post and give Don a run for his money, access will be granted via the best comment posted.