Why you’re not married

Posted on February 16, 2011

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Read this article.  It’s funny, ridiculous and written by an uber successful TV writer who pens clever shows we all pretend we’re too busy to watch.  It also addresses, in a hilariously secular-and-hyperbole-filled-yet-vaguely-wise way, one of the big questions we ladies find ourselves asking once we reach a certain age (in Christian World this is around puberty).

However, for all the single ladies out there I’d just like to point out that the reason you are not yet married is probably not because you are a bitch/slut/angry/aiming too high/expecting too much.  Or maybe you are.  I don’t even know.  But if you are maybe stop – but you’re not, so we’re fine yes?

Intrigued?  Read it now.

But while we’re on the subject, I would like to share with you some of the more memorable reasons I was given between the age of 17 – 27 for why men weren’t falling at my feet:

  • You’re intimidating (this was regular and baffling feedback)
  • You’re too outgoing (which is such a common reason for people to be repulsive to the opposite sex)
  • You’re too tall (still working on this one, genetics are tricky)
  • You’re too independent (because guys only relate to clingy, needy, pathetic girls)
  • Your hair is too short (I hate that me getting a boyfriend coincided with me having long hair. I refuse to acknowledge it as a determining factor, just an ironic coincidence)
  • You’re “cute” but not “pretty” (thanks, 6ft blonde, model friend for pointing this out)
  • You need to be more ladylike (shut up)
  • God hasn’t got him ready yet (oh the rage, the rage at this patronising and ridiculous statement)
  • Your standards are too high (if by standards you mean hoping for more than a socially-challenged, emotional retard, then yes)
  • You’re not “open” enough (I don’t even know what this means)

I even had one mother-type from my CHURCH say to me that in the absence of true love, I should “go out and find yourself a nice, wealthy young man with a brain in his head and get yourself pregnant.  At least that way you won’t have to put your life goals on hold while you wait for Mr Right, and he’ll be able to pay child support.”

No word of a lie.

How did she know that my dream in life was to entrap some poor Popped Collar Pub Jerk into an unwanted pregnancy so I could become a single mother and extort child support from the guy – who probably can’t remember my last name – so I could drag a sticky-faced toddler on blind dates (with people I was probably forced to meet on the internet) because I couldn’t find a babysitter…

I could go on, but…

As a woman who waited a long time to become blissfully married to (and I do not exaggerate in the slightest when I say this) the hottest, most intelligent and kind man on God’s green earth, I would like to say to all the haters who waxed jerkish about my romantic shortcomings:

Jump up my ass, bitches.

And I say that with all due respect – and possibly because I went to see a hip hop gig last night.

Single ladies put your (non-slutty) hands up.

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Posted in: Nuptialville